Fate
by AnnaLara
Summary: They're not so different from each other after all. They are just too blind to see it...but if they had just tried...maybe things could have been different? No! They couldn't have been. Because L needs to die, Light needs to be arrested and there's simply no room for feelings. (Death note fanfiction, set during Lights memory loss and after its return.)
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! Yes, im back at it again with my strange death note fanfictions. But this idea hasn't gotten out of my head yet and it's been weeks...so i just had to write it out.**

 **There will be actual plot...maybe. Possibly. But we'll get to that in a few chapters... one of these days...Maybe.**

 **No warnings and no spoilers for this chapter.**

 **Also, i don't own death note. Shocker, i know.**

 **Lets get on with this, shall we? Alright! Brace yourselves!**

" _Is It Clear Enough That You Can't Live Your Whole Life_

 _All Alone?_

 _I Can Hear You In A Whisper_

 _But You Can't Even Hear Me Screaming_

 _So Where Will You Go?"_

 _-"Where Will You Go" Evanescence_

Watari didn't have any children. He had once, like most people, wanted to. But then again, there were already so many children in this world. Children who didn't have anybody. Children rotting away in dark corners.

Children that hadn't gotten a chance. Children that could have done great things, had they've been loved. And maybe that was why Wammys house was built. His pity and the sympathy he felt for the ones that hadn't deserved the lives they had gotten. From that feeling, Wammys house arose.

A chance for the life already brought into this world.

That's what he had wanted.

Justice.

Of course, an orphanage couldn't ever be the same as a family home, but Watari had certainly tried. Tried his very best to make the building as nice and welcoming as he could. Big dorms with pastel flower curtains, a clean, white tile kitchen, a library with hundreds of books, toys and games in bright colors and everything else Watari thought that children might need. He wanted everything to look nothing like the dirty streets of England.

But even with crayons and sequins, giggles and tulips and daisies and treehouses in the garden-when the children all slept and the orphanage want silent in the evening, a desire awoke. He didn't know where it came from, but it was suddenly there. And suddenly, the numbers and letters on toybricks weren't enough. The flawed English they spoke in, didn't cut it. Half right answers on math worksheets just weren't _good enough._

Because the Wammy children hadn't deserved the lives they had gotten. Hadn't deserved the cold sidewalks, the bubblegum and cigarette butts stuck to it. Hadn't deserved mothers and fathers who hadn't cared for them. Had deserved so much better than the ugliness they had gotten.

To make the Wammy children something special. The very best. That was what Watari had wanted. And that wish in itself, was not ugly.

He just wanted to see them to do well.

And then... The tests became too hard and he pushed them too far. The questions became too complex, the classes too long and the breaks far too short.

And it was all just Ls fault.

L wasn't just any child. L was brilliant. And Watari couldn't expect everyone to be like him. Couldn't expect just any child to learn French and Arabic and Chinese and Spanish and Russian and German and Japanese. He couldn't expect just any child to solve equations and cases like L could.

...Yet... he did. And only when A hung himself in his bedroom and B killed a woman in hers, did Watari realize that the children he saved from the world, weren't all like L. Artists or athletes or musicians or authors weren't meant to catch criminals. They weren't meant to be L. And that was just the way it was.

L was brilliant, and L thought he knew everything...But no matter how brilliant, he didn't see how much he had missed out on.

L hadn't ever known how beautiful and bright the world could be. And Watari didn't blame him. There had been nobody there to show him.

And maybe that was why L didn't understand anything but facts and the minds of the sickest criminals.

Watari wondered if he, somewhere behind the solved cases, blood and guts, wrongs and rights and rules and percentages, longed to understand. Longed to understand tenderness and kindness the way he could understand violence and fear. Longed to understand it like he understood everything else.

Longed for someone to understand him.

Longed for someone to reach deep within and drag out the humanity that he had time and time again denied himself.

Make him realize he wasn't so different from the others despite it all.

But nobody had. Nobody had even tried. And L hadn't tried to be understood.

L had curled into a ball in dark corners and wondered why he was so painfully alone.

" _Watari…I miss my mother"_

" _I know..."_

L was twelve and didn't have a single friend. L was fourteen and hadn't ever been in love. L was sixteen and hadn't had his first kiss. L was eighteen and hadn't ever failed a test.

Because L was twelve and saw a dead body for the first time. L was fourteen and solved his seventh case. L was sixteen and feared for his life. L was eighteen and had seen things that would keep grown men awake at night.

"Watari... _I can't sleep..."_

" _I know"_

Being L wasn't a pretty thing, it wasn't something noble and just. He was drowning in money, but what did that help? He was known all over the world but nobody had ever met him, and what good was fame then? He brought justice upon countless criminals, restrained hundreds of bloodstained hands, sent men with lives on their conscience to their ends and ended up with with dying screams and last breaths on his own. And yet, it wouldn't ever be enough.

No matter how brilliant he was, he couldn't change mankinds selfishness. Because mankind never learnt. And mankind would never change.

There would always be somebody else. Somebody else to do wrong and hurt someone.

" _Watari...I can't do this!"_

" _I know"_

There was nothing else to do...

"Is there anyone who cares about me, Watari?"

...Yet, there were so many things he wanted to say.

Watari stayed with L and prayed that it was enough. Because L didn't have anybody else. He had of course once had a mother and father- a mother and father who probably hadn't been worthy of having a son at all.

And Watari wasn't sure he would have been worthy of L either.

He just wondered if L would have been happier if someone else had saved him, or if L would have been happier dead.

Wondered how a shivering little boy on the sidewalk, grew into being one of the most powerful men on earth. How L had grown to be so dear to him. Wondered how he let L become so miserable. Cursed himself for it. Hated himself for it.

And maybe, just maybe, L wouldn't have been so cold if someone in his life had loved him. Maybe he would have a normal life, a normal job, a girlfriend- or even a boyfriend, for all Watari cared. Maybe he would have had somebody he loved. Somebody he'd smile at and laugh with. Somebody who'd hug him and tell him how amazing he was, so that L could think of something else but corpses and funerals.

Anyone, anyone at all would be fine, as long as they could make L happy. As long as they were living and breathing and full of hope and joy and made L feel just a little bit of that. Watari wished he could have done that for him. Watari once again wondered how the hell L had grown to be so dear to him. Wondered why he had never told him that.

" _Is there anyone who cares about me, Watari?"_

If Watari could ever see him smile, even just once... If he could hear him laugh, for just a second... then that would be good enough for him.

And then, maybe he hadn't truly failed L yet.

" _Yes, L. There is."_

 **AN/:**

 **So this was the first chapter. What do you think so far? Please tell me in a review! I should also mention that i didn't plan t make it into a LxLight story...(though it's my otp) but we'll see... ;)**

 **There was, (go figure) no plot in this chapter, it was just an introduction and sob material.**

 **I hope to change that in the near future though, so stay tuned for an actual story to kick in...sooner or later.**

 **Anyway, thank you for reading! If you enjoyed it, please follow me, this story, favorite it or write a review! I love your support!**

 **Until next time though, stay fabulous :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello!**

 **You made it to the second chapter. And I did too! I'm very proud of myself, yes.**

 **I just found the "horizontal line" feature, so thats something I'll be using a lot now xD**

 **Anyway, last chapter was awfully plotless, and only included Watari whining over his life, so now it is Soichiros turn. I tried to make this as entertaining and well written as I could, so please tell me how I did! I apologize if the characters are a bit OOC, especially Soichiro. Since I can't relate to him personally, and I of course also know that Light is Kira, its difficult to describe how blind he is to that. I did my best. I feel I have to quote one of my favorite songs from the Death Note musical here:**

* * *

 _"Accusations, Innuendo, Theories Full Of Cracks_

 _Time Lines And Coincidences_

 _Can't Replace Hard Facts_

 _But If What I'm Seeing, Bends As Light Reflects_

 _Am I Blinded To What My Son Lacks?"_

 _-"Honor Bound And Bound By Honesty" Soichiro Yagami_

* * *

Soichiro sat in the main room. Scrawled out onto the couch in a very uncharacteristic manner. Wondering how the hell he had gotten here at all. Wondering where L got the money to let build it in the first place.

It was late and cold and awfully quiet and he just wanted to go home. Wanted nothing more to do with this investigation. Wanted to go home and sleep. That really wasn't so much to ask.

Asking a lot was also not to request to take his son by the hand, get his car from the parking lot and drive home with him.

But bound to the building and Ls pale wrists- (chains that rattled and jingled when he moved and were unsettling in more than one way) was Light.

Bound was also L. Bound to his own theory. His own blind ignorance, self indulgence and god forsaken pride.  
Clinging to the throught that "Light Yagami is a phsycopath mass murderer" like some kind of lifeline.

Until the detective dropped his suspicion of Light, the red glowing numbers on digital clocks would flash three-thirty or sometimes even four-forty until some kind of weight of exhaustion and realization of, _"God, I feel terrible"_ would crash down, and until L dropped his suspicion, Soichoro was sleeping on the couch and Light probably wasn't sleeping at all.

Deep breaths, a moment of thinking- Soichiro arrived at the conclusion that the whole situation, along with L, was twisted, unbelievable and got more and more ridiculous the more he thought about it.

And even though his neck was strained, his head aching- along with at least four other parts of him, the decorative pillows on the couch felt like bricks and concrete, he could not leave.

Not without some kind of justification. Not without L telling him how terribly sorry he was.

Not without L admitting that his son was innocent, and that he was a total, wretched idiot for ever doubting that.

But L didn't admit to anything at all.

He hated it. Hated the building, the couch he was sitting on and the color of the carpet. Hated L and his ideals. Was so sick of everything about him.

Soichiro didn't care how many cases he had solved, didn't care how high his IQ was. Kira was somewhere out there, and his son didn't have anything to do with him. L was wasting his time.

It had been proven time and time again, and yet L just wouldn't let go.

 _"I am also childish and I hate to lose...That is how I know."_

Yes. L was childish. Soichiro wondered how old L could really be, and decided that there was no way he was over twenty five. Remembered the strawberry shortcakes, washed out jeans and settled with the thought that L wasn't a day over six.

L was just a child. And maybe he had to much brain and to little heart. Maybe L was just to powerful for his own good. And L abused that power. He wasn't above the law, but that was something he didn't realize. L didn't seem to give a damn about the law. Didn't seem to understand the problem with going against it.

He put everyone under a magnifying glass, looked at everything like specimens he was free to take apart and explore from the inside. Look through their eyes and into their brains. Like some kind of _God go through everything they care about and tear it with his boney fingers. As if he was above not just the law, but everything else too._

Maybe it was a condition, maybe it had a fancy name with more than six syllables and maybe L had binders and bookshelves full of medical prints and papers somewhere in one of the headquarters dark, hidden rooms. Little white pills in jars against Aspergers or Autism, Insomnia, or some other disorders Soichiro had never heard of. Little white pills L probably didn't take and probably would be a better person if he did.

And whether L had a diagnosis or a hundred or none at all, he was everything Soichiro had raised Light not to be. From his unwashed hair to his twisted view of justice, L was a terrible, tiny little person and Light was better than him. Better than Ryue Ryuzaki and Hideki Ryuga and all of Ls other alter egos. And someone like L didn't have any right to step and walk all over Light.

Soichiro just wanted to go home.

The room was dark, with only the weak, white glow from the monitors to light it up. The sound of keys being pushed and tapped on the small laptops echoed quietly around the walls.

It was three in the morning and the tapping proved itself endless.

Even in the darkness he could make out the countless tangles in Ls messy hair and the wrinkles and folds in his clothes. The way he sat perched on the seat with his limbs entwined in a strange crouch. All around him lay opened biscuit tins, empty plastic wrappers and cookie crumbles. An abandoned cup of tea sat dangerously close to the edge of the desk and a picture of something bloody and dead kept flashing on his screen.

Then there was Light, and how endlessly fitting his name now seemed. With the glow from the screen reflecting in his perfectly combed hair and perfectly clean, ironed suit. Sitting perfectly straight in his chair, continuously opening and closing a tab, typing something, scrolling up and down new pages, once again looking at that same chart, comparing those two reports, and then typing something again. Typing something brilliant. Something smart that would help the investigation forward.

L sat right next to him stacking macaroons on the table.

* * *

"Ryuzaki...Are you not tired?"

"Hm?...No, I am not, Light-kun."

Light gave a sigh and something that was most likely supposed to be a smile. Looking into the darkness, beyond Ls cookies and plastic candy wrappers. Disappearing into some place without Kira and without Ls accusations. Some beautiful place where eighteen year old boys were allowed to sleep at three in the morning.

"Are you sure that you're human, Ryuzaki?" Asked Light, surely joking, but managing to fail terribly when his voice gave away, leaving the question tragically hanging in the air, suffocating like something bound by its neck and slowly dying.

"Humans need sleep" He stated dully.

L nodded quietly and after a moment of thinking:

"I... am fairly certain that I am, Light-kun" He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and looked back at Light, who gave a nod before returning to the files, documents and colorful charts on his screen.

L turned back to his biscuits and documented dead things.

They sat in silence for a while, neither of them sure if the conversation was worth holding or letting go and forget.

To catigorize it and store it away in some box where they kept all their other lost conversations nobody understood.

But that wasn't Ls style. He didn't simply let things go.

He looked down on his toes and scratched at his head, wondering if Kira was human. Wondering if the question was completely ridiculous to build an accusation on. Wondered if he wondered too much.

 _But L didn't simply let things go_.

"Are you?" He asked. His voice coming out far to loud, lingering for to long. Bouncing off and between the walls for an eternity before fading into the quiet darkness once more.

"What?" Letting his head fall to the side, looking so incredibly dumb and young, Light again turned to L who stared right back at him, with wide, black eyes.

"Human, Light-kun." L said, bringing his thumb to his mouth and chewing around on the nail.

Light let out something that was neither a snort or a laugh, but maybe something in between.

" _What?_ " Light said, seemingly still processing Ls words for a few seconds until sighing again and dragging his palm down his face "You're unbelievable, Ryuzaki. I was only joking...you know?"

"Yes, of course I know." he trailed off, waiting for the echo to die before continuing, "Though it was a very interesting question, Light-kun. Is Kira human, do you think? Killing with just a name and face is not something we've ever heard of before. Perhaps Kira is truly-"

 _...a God._

"For Gods sakes, Ryuzaki!" Groaned Light and L resisting to comment on his choice of words, fell silent. "Give it a rest!"

They locked eyes, trying to make sense of each other.

Wishing to somehow rip each other open and find unspoken apologies and confessions.

But Light didn't rattle, L didn't tear and the room grew darkly quiet once more.

In the end, that was what made the Kira case such a strangely beautiful thing.

Because Light looked best with combed hair and neat clothing, calm, collected and in every way perfect. Smiling and saying something sticky, sweet and absolutely laughable, that somehow still made everyone tangle up in his messy charisma and fall in love.

And yet, without Lights white lies and smiles and big, brown eyes, he was no different from L.

Real brilliance. Pure, naked- almost touchable, fascinatingly horrifying brilliance. Miserable brilliance with no need to impress women, make parents proud or to fit in with others and make friends. With only lonely conclusions, inventions, combinations and configurations. Lacking everything but an IQ over two hundred.

But Light doesn't rattle, doesn't tear, and L has rattled and torn enough times to learn how to sew himself shut again.

And yet L is certain that Light will one day break his pretty face, drop the act and learn to understand his own mind. To understand what Kira, who certainly is covering beneath the fantasy of a perfect son, bother, lover- already knows.  
To understand his own, raw, bleeding, dripping genius that is a curse and as well as a blessing. Light will learn to understand L, he is certain.

"Yes. I see" L mumbled, "My apologies." not sounding particularly sorry at all. But Light wasn't listening anyway.

It didn't really matter...Did it?

It didn't matter if L was sorry or not because Light was still looking at that one article. Trying to get a grasp of what he was reading. Finding no motivation and no real reason to understand more than that there had been a car accident in Kyoto, a man had been run over and that Lights own job was to find any possible leads to Kira.  
There was no need to understand much more than that just like the previous thirteen accidents he had looked over lately, the man had no criminal records, that he wasn't in any way involved with the case and that Light was wasting his time- he yawned, stretched his arms above his head and ran a hand through his hair.

Light understood everything. Knew better than everyone and _was better than everyone_. Light Yagami understood everything there was to understand…

Understood justice and heartlessness and why bones break when run over by cars and why people like L couldn't sleep at night, but it was three in the morning and he simply couldn't bring himself to be brilliant right then.

Luckily, right then, L didn't expect anyone but himself to be.

* * *

 **AN/:**

 **Second chapter is done! I hope it's readable.**

 **I just wanted to mention that when I listed the mental disabilities earlier in the chapter, it was only an expression of Soichiros frustration. I hold no ill will towards anyone suffering these things! I hope I did not offend anybody. It is though, as you probably know, commonly used insults and I decided to use them. Again, I hope nobody took offense. I apologize if anyone did.**

 **If you still enjoy this story, you're very welcome to follow me, this story, favorite and review it! It always makes me happy when you do that! :)**

 **Until next chapter, where there maybe will be actual plot!**

 **See you! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello!**

 **I apologize for the delay. I was busy, school starting, and had quite the writers block.**

 **But its up now! Maybe there'll actually be plot in this one, huh? Yeah, we'll see.**

 **There's a bit more action and a bit less sentimental monologue now. Let's see how I do. (I should note that I always write my ANs before actually writing the chapter, so I don't know either)**

 **To clear things up: This plays during Light's memory loss! That will change in later chapters but right now, he's really just the cinnamon bun he seems to be.**

 **Anyway, lets get to it. No spoilers but warning for a bit of violence. So if you're sensitive to that, I advice you to not read. I also do not own Death Note.**

 **Quote of the chapter (I recently started watching fma (amazing show, by the way) And so I decided to throw this in. You're welcome, fellow Alchemists.)**

" _Greed May Not Be Good, But Neither Is It Bad._

 _You Humans Think It's All Just About Money And Power,_

 _But We All Want The Things We Don't Have"_

- _Greed, "Fullmetal Alchemist"_

Light wasn't sure how much longer it would go on. The seconds ticked by ridiculously slowly. Crawling through the night to finally gather together, in groups of sixty into new minutes. And after what felt like endless eternities, the minutes piled up.

Glucose, carbohydrates and a sticky smell of something actively partaking in Ls unhealthy diet lingered and Light felt horribly sick. It was a heavy, thick smell that dragged itself through the room to die in some grim nook somewhere. Sugarcoated nausea rising in his stomach, Light sighed, leaned forward and closed his laptop. Sounding a quiet humming as it shut down and locked itself, its white light went out, only to leave the darkness swallowing up even more of the empty room.

L didn't say anything. He just kept persistently stacking chocolate confections that looked plastic and _fake-_ on the table.

Light felt even sicker.

Something nasty crept up his throat and he wasn't sure if it was his lunch and breakfast or a swallowed, hissy fit he hadn't thrown yet. Clawing around his insides, ripping up wishes of unspoken complaints and insults and _truths_ that he wanted to hit L in the face with.

A rattle- an angry urge had boiled up, to stand, scramble around Ls head and find that one thing that would seep through his foggy eyes, ears and into his brain. To find that place under the pale, cold skin where L could actually feel him, see him, _hear_ him. Where it clicked and made L understand just how much Light hated him right then.

And Light had to remind himself that L already knew.

L just didn't care.

His posture had dropped and sagged long ago, crumbled up like the colorful candy wrappers L had disowned on the floor and he found himself in an awkward half laying posture on the chair. He felt his limbs, one at a time, growing numb and quietly shutting themselves off with a trembling feeling running up his veins.

He wasn't reading the article anymore. Couldn't bring himself to give a damn about the article. Couldn't even care to try. Trying was, after all, something Light rarely needed to do.

Never trying, never needing to pay attention or study. Bad days, good days- it was all the same. Nobody noticed, because Light was still on top of the class, was still better than the rotten rest of them. And so, not even for a single moment, not for a single second was there a challenge.

And surely that was why the world was so horribly and hollowly boring. So dreadfully tedious and empty.

 _Was it arrogance?_

Maybe he was the only one who had time to really stop and look.

Look at humanity's wrecked home and see it's ugliness. It's truths and crimes and bloodshed. It's dark holes, cracked surfaces and the poison running through it, collecting in it's core somewhere deep under.

Maybe everyone else was just to busy with doing their best, with getting a good grade, with keeping their job or just with _themselves_ , to see.

To busy to see what Light through his boredom couldn't help to.

And yet, with all the things he knew he could do- could change- his days went by slowly in gray classrooms, putting simple numbers together- his mind left to rot, starve and crumble in his head.

Humanity left to die alongside it.

There was just nothing to hold on to. No place, no test, no nothing, where his best was asked of him. Where it was _needed to_ pass- to do well.

Light wondered why that felt like such a tragic thing.

Why it felt like something was eating him from the inside when he thought about it.

Maybe he was just too tired, maybe L was really crawling into his head and driving him mental, plucking out his braincells and making him stupid, but Light couldn't understand why he was still here.

"Hey... Ryuzaki" Clipped short and sharply uttered Light spoke. A sharp edge to his words- cutting through what had been stillness like something dangerous. Like something you could kill someone and cut them open with.

"Yes?"

L was always grounded, both bare feet firmly planted on earth and still...he managed to look unsure and lost. As if he just wasn't capable of anything else. As if all he could do was whisper in that ghostly, raspy, chilling way he seemed to be glued and nailed to. Glazed over, foggy, _distant..._ But maybe those three words were _all_ that L really was.

Right then wasn't an exception. L was all the same. L seemed to _always_ be the same and Light couldn't imagine him being different.

"I think that this is stupid." He shared.

"Is that so?"

"Yes."

"I see."

Light doubted if L had even heard him. L _always_ did see. L always _said_ he saw. L always _said_ he knew. Said he _knew_ Kira was this and that, that and this and Light Yagami.

In the end, L said so many things nobody believed.

"No. You don't"

"No, perhaps I don't, Light-kun."

L said so many things he didn't put an ounce of meaning behind. Not a drop of truth and not a breath of honesty.

"You don't mean that."

"No, perhaps I don't"

Light took a deep breath.

L had to be- _had_ to be the most unapproachable human being to ever walk the earth. But then again, L was also the first to walk the earth barefoot, carrying sugar-floss on his thin back and the worlds sins on his bone white shoulders.

"I hate you, Ryuzaki"

L nodded very slowly.

In the places Light's sparkling originality was lacking, in the little, tiny things where it shone through that he still just was a high school boy like any other, that he knew nothing despite the praise and first places, L filled in with all that was him.

And through the holes and bumps in Ls absurdity, where you could just barely make out a steady breathing and a heartbeat and something that could die and feel and _break_ , Light stood with slimy, bittersweet leadership and perfection that was enough to cover up the weaknesses of them both in something plastic, perfect and horribly tragic.

 _Was it tearing?_

 _Was it breaking?_

"Kira does too, Light-kun" L said and Light nearly missed it, as faint and absolutely tiny as it was, but there was something there. Something that flashed for just a moment before disappearing again.

L was smiling.

 _Smiling._

Suddenly and horribly fast- the thing living in his throat came crawling upwards. Clawing its way up his spine, wrapping itself around his heart and tangling up in his chest.

Light flew from his chair to his feet, feeling his calm slipping and vanishing. Something was burning. Hot red flames, gouging out what Light had convinced himself were his last nerves. Blowing up in a heat, his fists balled. His patience was melting and fading and dripping down- and Light truly hated L right then.

Eyes meeting, locking and connecting for the tiniest moment before shattering. Shattering in black shards of foggy glass as Lights fist crashed into Ls cheek, sending him backwards, out of his chair- onto the cold floor. A nasty noise of something cracking within L struggled and drowned in the sound of Lights father saying something nobody really cared to hear.

Sitting up and attempting to get to his feet, L made a sound that might have been of pain- a sound so quiet Light almost didn't hear it.

Light was sure he would have been stunned that the hollow doll that was L, could do more than sanely say madly insane things...but tearing him from the inside, pushing and breaking things was anger he could barely think through.

Blinded, Light dropped to the floor, crushing L beneath himself. His knees hit the floor, surely to leave purple, blue bruises. Above, weighing on Ls ribs, feeling real, deep breaths heave his chest, he found himself surprised. Surprised at the raise and fall as L _breathed._ The ghost, the zombie, the doll that was L _did_ breathe after all.

The fog that seemed to always be clouding his eyes in that glassy and lost mist had cleared, if only by a tiny bit. Something else was there, something hard and stern. Something you for once didn't need hours to realize, recognize and see. Something _anyone_ could look down upon and understand. Something Light could do what he did best: look down on.

He threw another punch at Ls face. At his endlessly dark eyes that no, there surely was no soul behind. Throwing a punch that L quickly caught in his palm with a damp clash, pushing Light away from himself.

"We fight too much, Light-kun...", moving and struggling for a moment before adding: "Get off of me"

"You're so arrogant!"

And for once, L had nothing to say.

Soichiro Yagami kept talking- talking for ears that had no interest in listening. Having stood up, looking like he wanted to take some kind of action, like he wanted to grab them and lecture them, tell them to apologize to each other yet ending up just tiredly staring at the mess of tipped chairs, limbs and chains. Watching the struggle fold out and pathetically attempt to explain itself.

"I'm not Kira! You know I'm not! You _know_ that there's no way I could be! But you're just too proud! You _know_ that you're wrong, L, and yet you-"

"Ryuzaki." L said, "...I asked you to not call me L"

"And I asked you to be a little bit more considerate!" Light exclaimed, gripping tightly at the white fabric of Ls shirt. Outwashed cotton straining around him, threatening to rip and fall off of his thin body in bleak threads, L slowly steadied himself onto his elbows. "And that didn't help with _anything_ , did it?" Light went on.

L silently wondered why people became so difficult to deal with at night. Wondered if their senses slumbered and dreamt and broke down. Because they were abandoning the places where they belonged. They were leaving weak, soft feelings in their gaze to helplessly push around. L had pushed around feelings before. Felt them move through is fingers and pulsate in his hands. Grasped them, choked them, thrown them in a jail cell and noted another job well done.

L couldn't tell if Light was really angry- if he had really shoved and tipped him too far over the edge. If there had been a line somewhere in between all the things they both were so caught up in, that he had stepped over.

L wasn't sure because acting- _pretending,_ had proved to be another one of Lights strong points. Yet another thing to add to the _pile_ of Lights strong points. There were so many things Light was shining and outstandingly amazing at. Little things L didn't know why anyone would bother to try and be good at. Things that seemed utterly meaningless, _difficult_ and yet fell into place, fit and worked perfectly in Lights hands. Things that not even Ls spider fingers could lure in and get to move.

And L wondered if Light was choking him on the floor because it was something Kira knew a tired, innocent teenager would do, or because Light _was_ just that.

"Get off of me, Light-kun" Because whether a megalomaniac serial killer or just a kid at the wrong places at the wrong times, discomfort was stirring in Ls stomach. No matter who was covering in the deepest depths, far below Lights pretty, brown eyes and far beyond what he would ever let anybody discover- whoever that person was- he wasn't _better_ than L. Wasn't stronger and didn't have even the weakest little right to hold him down- hold him down and call it _justification._

L didn't get any reply, no sweet apology or halfhearted helping hand. Silence. Silence was all the world had to offer L right then.

He wanted to fold himself back together again. Wanted to return to the comfort of his tangled limbs and entwined bones. Back to the place where his skin didn't feel so small and his legs so thin. A form that didn't feel so scrawny and unsteady.

But Light didn't move. He stayed. Pressing Ls spine to the floor, still clawing at his collar and weighing heavily on his stomach. Air slowly getting thicker and harder to breathe out, space and room suddenly felt horribly, miserably important to L.

And as it grew within him, L threw himself forward to sit up as far as he could, bringing his right arm up, with one swift movement, swung towards Light.

"Get off!"

Missing by a fraction of an inch Ls hand fell back to his side, having caught only cold night air between his thin fingers. Yet Light, for just a tiny second -surprise rumbling over his features, loosing balance and footing... let his stance slip. Leaving spots unprotected and open. Tiny little spots Ls black cave eyes found and fixated, calculated and aimed at.

Letting force and strength run through his veins and nerves, he kicked out towards Lights middle.

Feeling the power of the blow rattle up his leg, a popping noise of something snapping at his knees as his kick met Lights stomach, Light fell tumbling back with a crash into the darkness.

Soichiro said something again. Something that sounded like he was worrying, like he worried and cared.

And Soichiro did care. L knew- Soichiro just cared about Light. He always had, and he always would. He assumed that was something fathers did. Cared.

L wondered what that was like.

" _Is there anybody who cares about me, Watari?"_

L couldn't imagine what it _was_ like.

He was sure he should wonder why. Sure that anyone else in his place would wonder why.

L had no reason to wonder. L just knew. And L couldn't afford to care.

Could barely afford to care when Light didn't get up.

 **AN:/**

 **So there you have it! I hope this was as depressing as I wanted it to be. Screwing characters over is what I do best.**

 **I'd really love a review or two on this chapter! I put a lot of effort into it so if you enjoyed it- please tell me! Constructive criticism is also appreciated!**

 **Again, sorry for not updating. School started too, so I have been very busy. I hope you feel it was worth the wait!**

 **Also, I realized I should probably give little special thank you to Glazier Blue who reads and reviews everything I write! Thank you, I wouldn't be doing this well with my writing without your input and support!**

 **I hope I can upload one chapter a month, if they're this long, I mean. I'm sorry if that's a bit slow, I just don't want to rush...**

 **Honestly everyone: Thank you for reading and supporting this! I'll see you next chapter!**


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